In the News

OK, I have since realized that my Tuesday News post was a bit premature since all the interesting things have happened in the past 24 hours.

It's a Ghost! It's a Mutant Firefly! It's a . . . Glowing Pig?
Scientists in Taiwan have successfully spliced the genes of a glowing jellyfish into the genes of a pig, which resulted in a pig that looks kinda green during the day, but glows at night. Traditionally, if your bacon was green--and especially if it glowed in the dark--that meant it was time to toss it in the garbage. However, these lime swines were what the scientists have been striving for so they can track their glowing DNA without slicing and dicing their little piggy cells. Unfortunately, as it goes with the dorky science-types, they didn't know that day-glo genes are just so totally '80's.


Have Rubber Will Travel
Legislators in a Colombia town in Central America are planning a law that would require every male over the age of 14 to carry a condom. It's an experimental law trying to stem the increase in STD's, such as AIDS, and unwanted, unplanned, unneeded pregnancies, such as babies. The local Catholic priest blasted the proposed law, likening it to "handing out guns." Obviously, the priest is somewhat uninformed about the actual biology of human sexuality since his analogy makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Idiot. Hey Padre, the "guns" are already out there, this law would just make sure everyone had a "bullet proof vest" should random "holdups" and "shootouts" ensue.


Brangelina Baby?
The rumors are true. Brad and Angelina are having a little square-jawed, pouty lipped spawn. Yeah, Angelina had nothing to do with the break up of Brad and Jen's marriage. Right. Here's a picture of what Taiwanese genetic experts believe the baby will look like:

Levi's Announces Jean-splicing of Its Own
Levi Strauss, after ditching America for cheaper labor overseas, announced it will soon release iPod jeans. There will be a special pocket to hold the iPod and built in headphones and controls. My question is, how does one work the controls if they're concealed in one's pant area without appearing to the un-iPod-afficianado eye to be doing something completely different and highly inappropriate? Peeing your pants, I'm guessing, would be quite a shocking experience in these jeans.

Computers Cause Drinking/Smoking
A new study in the UK shows that computers and other IT stressors are becoming an increasing cause of boozing and tar-choking, beating out the old stand-by rationales of bankruptcy, losing a limb, and commuting. So I'm less likely to become an alcoholic if I lose an arm than I am working on a computer everyday? Interesting. Give me a hacksaw. Better yet, make that a J&C.


French Court Orders Pop- & Mom-cicles Defrosted
You just can't keep your dead folks around the house anymore. A Frenchman who has kept the bodies of his parents frozen in his cellar was ordered to stop selling tickets for public viewing and to cremate or bury them (his parents, not the tickets). The court cited public health and order concerns in making their decision. Yeah, those ice-people can really cause a ruckus and spread diseases with their wild sex-parties.


Seven Year-old Pulled Over for Suspected Drunk-driving
When police in Tennessee began pursuing a suspected drunk-driver, they were surprised to learn the culprit was actually a seven year-old boy who had jumped in the family pick-up and went out in search of a driver's license. Witness Susan Daniel had this to say: "It blew my mind, because we actually watched him put on his turn signal and turn. And we could see when he went past that he had seat belts on." All you grown, licensed drivers out there who turn and change lanes without signalling should take note--Using a turn signal is so easy, even a seven year-old can do it!


Robertson's Still an Idiot
On his morning show, The 700 Club, Pat Robertson once again proved he has an anus where his mouth should be when he said that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke was divine retribution for allowing the Palestinians to take back the Gaza Strip. Robertson spoke for his god by saying it was his god's land and Sharon had no business saying who should or shouldn't occupy it. Apparently, keeping the Palestinians out to make room for Israeli settlers did not violate this ideal. Israel responded with a big Kosher middle-finger, saying Robertson was no longer welcome to build his church on the Israeli land where Jesus was reported to make bread and wine. Evangelical Christian carb-addicts and wine tasters everywhere were outraged, but too fat and drunk to do anything about it.

Cheers-Thanksalot!