Ain't That Fuckin' Jiffy

Happy fucking birthday to me. We all have bad days, but why does mine have to be on my birthday? Of all the days that could have turned out to be utter crap, why today?? I'll tell you why: the universe has decided that I can't get a goddamn break. Ever. Let me give you a recap of my day thus far, even if it is only two hours old.

1. 6:10 - The cats harass me the second I get out of the shower wanting to be fed.
   
2. 6:50 - I run REALLY late this morning, but still somehow manage to get out the door only 10 minutes behind schedule.
   
3. 6:55 - I'm in the car and realize, oh gee, I may not have enough gas to get to work and back, but I'll have to get it on the way home because I don't have time right now.
4. 7:05 - (ten minutes before I'm due at work) I'm almost to Irving and come to the sudden and horrific realization that (A) I don't have enough gas to get home after work without stopping, and (B) joy of fucking joys, I forgot my wallet and I don't have enough time to turn around and get it.
5. 7:08 - After cursing my stupidity for leaving my wallet in yesterday's shorts, I also realize that I'm gonna have to make it home on what gas I've got because I have no way of paying for any.
   
6. 7:10 - I make the executive decision to relinquish use of my air conditioner to save fuel, even though I decided to wear jeans today--even better, it's already 85 degrees and humid as holy hell, and I'm not even on I-635 yet.
7. 7:20, I-635 LBJ Freeway @ Midway Rd - Traffic is at a dead standstill. I still have 5 miles to go and the sun is blasting through the front windshield exaserbating my discomfort and taunting me. I'm now five minutes late to work.
   
8. 7:24, 1 mile further down the line - The radio announces there is a pile-up 3 miles ahead of me at Hillcrest Road. Only the two right lanes are getting through. I'm in the far left lane.
9. 7:33, LBJ @ The Dallas North Tollway - I have managed to get in the right lane and traffic is still not moving more the 5 mph. I realize, even though I'm sweating buckets by not using my A/C, but because of the extra time in traffic, I won't have enough gas to get home.
   
10. 7:35, LBJ just the other side of The Dallas North Tollway - I hear on the radio about a woman who claims to have found a dead mouse in the bottom of a jar of Jiffy brand peanut butter. I find myself identifying with that mouse. I'm now 20 minutes late.
    
11. 7:40, LBJ before Hillcrest - Traffic finally picks up and I pass the "scene" of the accident. I see nothing and think to myself it's all just a big conspiracy.
    
12. 7:42, LBJ @ Coit - FINALLY. I exit and make the last couple of turns into the parking garage. I can't wait to get inside the building where its polar air-conditioned.
    
13. 7:45, My Office - Half-hour late. A/C in building not working. James not happy.
    

So there you have it, my 13 points of misery this morning. To top it all off, I get to work in the scanning room today, where it is even HOTTER than it is in the main room because of the equipment in there.

I just hope I can get someone to loan me a fiver so I can get home.