You Can't Make This Sh!t Up

(Photo NBC5i.com)

Elsie, a St. Bernard puppy from Florida, proved a puppy's stomach can be as big as its eyes when she swallowed a serrated 13-inch knife. O. J. Simpson had no comment except to say, "I was at McDonald's and that puppy's too small for that knife." The knife was successfully removed by a vet and Elsie is now back to salivating over other fine cutlery, though she has been banned from the local House of Blades.

Nesbitt, a 13 year old cat and resident of a West Bank home in New Orleans, was found napping peacefully in his usual spot under a chair on his back porch when his people returned home for the first time in the three weeks since Katrina ravaged their city. The eggs in their fridge had exploded, a tree was now part of one wall, facade was missing, an overhang sagged, and a gutter had collapsed, but none of it seemed to bother Nesbitt, whose greeting was a satisfied swish of his bushy tail, as if to say, "Suckers."

Michael "Drownie" Brown of FEMA ill-repute, the man who resigned in disgrace after killing hundreds of people with bureaucracy in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, is back on the FEMA payroll as a consultant. Guess Bush figured not enough people died needlessly in Brown's absence after Hurricane Rita.

The only state-sanctioned peeping-tom porn will soon be commissioned in China as they plan to use the latest in satellite and lubricant technology to spy on the sexcapades of the elusive Panda. No word yet on who will be brave enough to be the Panda fluffer.

Modern workers are stupid--not that this is news, but a new study found that they are more stupider than originally thought. The study found that about 75% of workers spend more than an hour a week staring blankly at coworkers who use such alien technical jargon as "jpeg," "javascript," "cookies," "firewall," "monitor," "keyboard," and "mouse." The study also found a large proportion of workers don't seem to grasp the problem with clogging e-mail inboxes with large-attachment, chain e-mails. IT people and those with a modicum of computer sense everywhere shook their heads in pity at the astounding proof of what they had long suspected: people are dumb.

Breast-reduction surgery has seen a surge in popularity . . . among men. Not content to jiggle and sag anymore, man boobs around the world more and more are opting for surgery rather than admit defeat and settle into a Manzier. Doctors say the increase in man boob reductions is due to the increase in man boobs, which in turn is a result of increased levels of artificial estrogen men are consuming in meats and possibly the water. Eat your meat, grow your boobies.

Ants in South America are smarter than the average human worker. Scientists discovered that the Myrmelachista schumanni ants have been poisoning plants that compete with the trees in which they build their homes. One such "Devil's Garden" contains nothing but 328 of the ants' favorite trees and is thought to be over 800 years old. Looks as if humans aren't the only ones destroying rain forest plant life.

This year's Darwin Award goes to the family of five who managed to do what Hurricane Rita couldn't and snuffed themselves out by putting a generator in the closet . . . while it was still running. Did I mention it was a gas-powered generator? They all died from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Cheers-Thanksalot!