Since Tim is out of town this week, I thought I would make my own contribution to the news update. I only hope I can come within the same galaxy of evil funny that Tim created. So, without further ado, let's start with the afternoon of cliches . . .
Every now and then you come across living examples of why cliches and stereotypes exist, well yesterday I experienced two and heard about one. While shopping at my local Tom Thumb, I saw a woman running across the store holding two melons (I think they were cantaloupes) in front of her chest. (See, George, this is what I would look like if I were Dolly Parton. Can I have that boob job now?")
Then, at the gas station, there was a man ahead of me in line that was, I kid you not, at least seven feet tall. He paid for his gas and cell phone minutes and walked back out to his car. When I went back to my car, I realized he drove an eighties model Geo Metro two door hatchback--a.k.a., the smallest car ever sold in America. It brought to mind memories of the very tall man in The Simpsons at whom Nelson laughed for driving a VERY small car.
Tom Cruise proposed to jail-bait, Scientologist-in-brain-washing girlfriend, Katie Holmes, atop (barf) the Eiffel Tower in gay Parie.
And last, but not least, a Virginia woman found two snakes coiled up on her couch (which was on her porch--can we say Poe Waight Trayush?) and decided the best way to get rid of them was with lighter fluid . . . and flamage. Her plan worked quite well as snakes, couch, porch, and house plagued her no more after that. She now lives in a mobile home in her front yard . . . the Chevy Vega on cinder blocks under what the hound dawgs sleep.
In other news . . . Terry Schiavo, according to the recently published autopsy report, was in fact blind and brain dead. Her neocortex was dead and shriveled, her entire brain mass being only half the size it should be for a woman her age. In other words, SHE WAS A BLIND VEGETABLE, PEOPLE! But you already knew that, didn't you? Unless of course you're a blind vegetable, too. In that case, all you know is the uncommunicable thought of, "Kill me now, for the love of god, kill me!"
Michael Jackson is "Not Guilty" . . . Yeah, so's O. J..
U.S. Senators from Texas say "Lynching OK by them" by refusing to cosponser the anti-lynching measure that passed this week, after being introduced more than 80 years ago. Hey, I know, lets lynch the politicians . . . maybe after about 3,000 of them get hung from trees, then maybe they'll ALL oppose lynching.
A new quantum theory says that you cannot change the present by altering the past. If you know something to be true in the present, you can't go back in time and change it. I won't go into the mechanics, but basically if you know your father is alive today, you can't go back in time and kill him. But if you have a deadbeat dad, who you don't know to be alive or dead, theoretically, you could go back and kill him, which would ultimately make you the reason you think he's a deadbeat dad and don't know where he is in the present. So maybe I'm the reason my father died back in 1995 . . .
Bush won't know what porn mags you're buying now, thanks to the U.S. House of Representatives, who voted down the section of the U.S. "Patriot" act that allowed law enforcement to look at library and bookstore records at their every whim. Damn, the preznit really wanted to know how many other people enjoy such literary classics as The Pet Goat.
Nancy Reagan took a trip to London, a trip down a flight of stairs, then a trip to London Hospital where British doctors with bad teeth examined and released her, saying she no longer posed a threat to society.
The PeTA people are freaks. In North Carolina, two PeTA employees were charged with cruelty to animals and improperly disposing of dead animals when police caught them dumping dog and cat carcasses in a shopping center dumpster. People began noticing dead animals appearing in the dumpster every Wednesday, but no one ever thought anything about it because that was the morning after the shopping center's Chinese restaurant had its weekly all-you-can-eat buffet night. Only after a brief investigation did officials realize PeTA was to blame. Apparently, the two People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals had been taking animals from local shelters, "euthanizing" them, and dumping their bodies in the bin. PeTA has responded that one of the two arrested no longer works for the organization. I guess now their name stands for People for the Euthanizaion and Trashing of Animals . . . at least the non-cute ones.
Finally, Happy Birthday to Angel and Amanda!! and
Tim comes home tomorrow!!! YAY!!!!!!
Anyway, I think that's all I have in me for today, so peace-out.
Every now and then you come across living examples of why cliches and stereotypes exist, well yesterday I experienced two and heard about one. While shopping at my local Tom Thumb, I saw a woman running across the store holding two melons (I think they were cantaloupes) in front of her chest. (See, George, this is what I would look like if I were Dolly Parton. Can I have that boob job now?")
Then, at the gas station, there was a man ahead of me in line that was, I kid you not, at least seven feet tall. He paid for his gas and cell phone minutes and walked back out to his car. When I went back to my car, I realized he drove an eighties model Geo Metro two door hatchback--a.k.a., the smallest car ever sold in America. It brought to mind memories of the very tall man in The Simpsons at whom Nelson laughed for driving a VERY small car.
Tom Cruise proposed to jail-bait, Scientologist-in-brain-washing girlfriend, Katie Holmes, atop (barf) the Eiffel Tower in gay Parie.
And last, but not least, a Virginia woman found two snakes coiled up on her couch (which was on her porch--can we say Poe Waight Trayush?) and decided the best way to get rid of them was with lighter fluid . . . and flamage. Her plan worked quite well as snakes, couch, porch, and house plagued her no more after that. She now lives in a mobile home in her front yard . . . the Chevy Vega on cinder blocks under what the hound dawgs sleep.
In other news . . . Terry Schiavo, according to the recently published autopsy report, was in fact blind and brain dead. Her neocortex was dead and shriveled, her entire brain mass being only half the size it should be for a woman her age. In other words, SHE WAS A BLIND VEGETABLE, PEOPLE! But you already knew that, didn't you? Unless of course you're a blind vegetable, too. In that case, all you know is the uncommunicable thought of, "Kill me now, for the love of god, kill me!"
Michael Jackson is "Not Guilty" . . . Yeah, so's O. J..
U.S. Senators from Texas say "Lynching OK by them" by refusing to cosponser the anti-lynching measure that passed this week, after being introduced more than 80 years ago. Hey, I know, lets lynch the politicians . . . maybe after about 3,000 of them get hung from trees, then maybe they'll ALL oppose lynching.
A new quantum theory says that you cannot change the present by altering the past. If you know something to be true in the present, you can't go back in time and change it. I won't go into the mechanics, but basically if you know your father is alive today, you can't go back in time and kill him. But if you have a deadbeat dad, who you don't know to be alive or dead, theoretically, you could go back and kill him, which would ultimately make you the reason you think he's a deadbeat dad and don't know where he is in the present. So maybe I'm the reason my father died back in 1995 . . .
Bush won't know what porn mags you're buying now, thanks to the U.S. House of Representatives, who voted down the section of the U.S. "Patriot" act that allowed law enforcement to look at library and bookstore records at their every whim. Damn, the preznit really wanted to know how many other people enjoy such literary classics as The Pet Goat.
Nancy Reagan took a trip to London, a trip down a flight of stairs, then a trip to London Hospital where British doctors with bad teeth examined and released her, saying she no longer posed a threat to society.
The PeTA people are freaks. In North Carolina, two PeTA employees were charged with cruelty to animals and improperly disposing of dead animals when police caught them dumping dog and cat carcasses in a shopping center dumpster. People began noticing dead animals appearing in the dumpster every Wednesday, but no one ever thought anything about it because that was the morning after the shopping center's Chinese restaurant had its weekly all-you-can-eat buffet night. Only after a brief investigation did officials realize PeTA was to blame. Apparently, the two People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals had been taking animals from local shelters, "euthanizing" them, and dumping their bodies in the bin. PeTA has responded that one of the two arrested no longer works for the organization. I guess now their name stands for People for the Euthanizaion and Trashing of Animals . . . at least the non-cute ones.
Finally, Happy Birthday to Angel and Amanda!! and
Tim comes home tomorrow!!! YAY!!!!!!
Anyway, I think that's all I have in me for today, so peace-out.
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